wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
