He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
