Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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