hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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