Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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