Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
