i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
