I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
