I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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