Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
