You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
