you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
