Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
