so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
