This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
