I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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