New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
