Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
