32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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