dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
