I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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