failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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