i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
