I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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