You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
