Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
