A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
