Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize