Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
