don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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