Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
