I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
