god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
