She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
