Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
