If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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