Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
