I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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