Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
