I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
