so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
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I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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