they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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