i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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