): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
