My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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