i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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