you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
