I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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