It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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