I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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