Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
