Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
