The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
