im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
