What a fucking waste of an outfit
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
