i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
