my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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