I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
