he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
