It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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