i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
