what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
