Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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